Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

I struggle hard because of my OCD. It takes over every part of my life, completely suffocating me. It fills me with dread and shame, and cripples me in every day-to-day tasks. So of course, when I found Christ again, I felt it there too, hanging over my shoulder like a dark shadow. But what really begun to sink me was when it came for my prayer life. Every Christian speaks about the power of prayer, and how it is a strong weapon against the enemy (they are right), but instead I felt like it left me feeling even more defenseless. It was because my mind had trapped me into thinking that I had to pray “correctly”. I was convinced if it wasn’t sincere enough, proper enough, if I didn’t get very specific, something awful would happen. For example, I would be praying over my children before bed and found myself saying “Lord, please wake them up tomorrow morning” because in my head, if I didn’t specify that, they would pass away. Very sick and twisted. I have a very tiring mind. It feels like a constant war zone. I sat there in torment because I knew it was ridiculous and false, but I couldn’t stop. I convinced myself I had to be “presentable” to God. That in order for my prayers to reach God and mean anything, they had to be polished and precise. It wasn’t till I was listening to a podcast and they said, “God can handle your honesty” and that hit me hard, and I’m glad it did. They went on to talk about how we serve a big, powerful, all knowing, and most importantly loving God. He created us, he knows everything we did and or going to do. He knows every thought that does and will pop into our heads, good or dark. He knows exactly what we struggle with. In that moment I felt Him telling me “Daughter, talk to me.” Almost this peaceful urgency. Not pray, but talk to Him. I immediately locked myself in my room and became completely undone. Telling Him how I hated my mind, I hated the thoughts, I hated the constant shame and guilt I felt. I felt awful that others could pray so well and not have the intrusive thoughts I did. I sat on my bed for who knows how long just talking to Him. Letting any and every thought and emotion flow free, and every time I was honest with God, I felt the weight lift more and more. I felt His overwhelming peace. My mind began to calm down; the loud noises no longer were screaming at me. The guilt and shame that had a strong hold on me no longer had power. I felt in that moment true freedom and peace. My prayer life became stronger once I realized the power of honesty with my Father. Now every thought that pops into my mind I immediately take it to Him and relax as He either walks me through it or completely destroys the lie. Don’t put God into a box. Acknowledge His power and strength and then try to understand how deep His love is for us. He CREATED you! No one knows you better than He does. He loves you, He delights in you, He wants to be involved in your life, whether you’re doing great or awful, whether you’re angry, sad, or happy, just let Him in. This isn’t to say I don’t still struggle, I’m human, I will always struggle but just knowing I serve a God who wants and desires me, despite my flaws, and who has a purpose for my life, is enough to break the chains. It is a reminder that when I do struggle, I know who to turn to, a God who has never once turned away from me.